Death after death

I’m not one to solicit sympathy. A few years ago, I decided that all my social media accounts would only serve as the online catalog for photos and random events that don’t really reflect my true emotions. But yesterday, I went to Facebook to announce my Lola Aida’s death. It was not a flowery message but it’s really all I can say at the moment. I wanted to spill all kinds of emotions her death have given me right then and there but no words can really explain how I am feeling right now.

It was painful, for sure. I never got this hurt before, that’s for sure too. I’ve never shed so much tears too. I’ve never seen so many people close to me genuinely hurt and helpless all at the same time. I’ve never seen a loved one die right before my eyes until I saw her heart rate monitor goes flat and it went on like that for a few more minutes. All of these things are new to me. Then I realized that we can never be prepared for some things even as inevitable as death.

The first death that truly, deeply hurt me was that of Ate Riza’s which happened just a few months ago. I haven’t fully recovered from that yet and the pain I’m feeling right now just got even bigger… way bigger. When I embraced my grandmother— the only grandparent that I’ve really loved— for the last time, I knew I was doing it not to bid her goodbye. I hugged her to hold on to her, to her memories, to all of her. And this I could tell for sure, she’s the best grandmother that I could have.

I know I’m being selfish to grieve so much because she may be in a better place now, or at least that’s what they said, but for people like me who believes this is the only life that we can have, death is just an unfortunate scenario that is part of the life package that we are all have been given. It was the end of the contract.

If it’s any consolation, it’s already enough for me that she believes in life after death and that on her deathbed, she’d probably found comfort in the thought of finally reuniting with my grandfather who perished a few years ago. I think that’s good enough, for now.