Girl by the river

I am not perfect,
I have bruises on my skin,
around a hundred mini cuts like the ones in my heart,
And I have fantasies,
very delusional ones,
those that lead you to nowhere,
And leave traces in the forest that ends in a cliff by the river.

I wear boots, oversized shirts over short shorts,
I have a tattoo on my left hand that was poorly drawn,
because I never had power over my impulsive choices,
I always give in to my cravings for pain,
nourished by the high tolerance for discomfort that I keep inside me,
I’m always tired but that’s because I want to get tired.

My brain is restless,
it works as I wake up and never stops in my sleep,
I dream of dreaful things,
then I’ll wake up in places too dark to decipher,
with people I barely know,
under the influence of some poisonous substances,
Like those metaphorical pills that I take because they take me high.

But next year, I will try to change,
I’ll avoid looking at the scars that were painted on me,
I will stop taking pills,
Waking up in my sleep,
Trying to be perfect,
Giving in to my weaknesses,
Jumping in cliffs to measure the depth of the water that was never there each time I’m thirsty,
I’ll stop wandering aimlessly in the same old forest,
Just to get lost over and over again,
As I decide on decisions that were once never thought about.

I’ll try to pray,
Have faith that having faith will be enough at some point,
To see perfection in the mirror amid all flaws,
To be more forgiving of myself,
To suffer less from self-inflicted miseries,
In those moments I try to belittle myself,
During the time, I commit sins as if I was on a dead end,
but the truth is I’m traversing a road so long it seems infinite.

So this girl by the river is saying goodbye,
To the seconds that just passed by,
And the days that comprised her entire year,
I never regret anything but I yearn for change more than anything else,
More than the pain I enjoy,
Way bigger than my desire to settle into illusions
as I plug the tubes that bring music into my ears.
I’m not perfect,
where I climb is the branches of insecurities towering over me,
until I get to the cliff by the river,
then wait for someone willing to catch me before I take another fall.