I’m not texting you because

So I stopped texting you, you might be wondering why. As a normal person who I supposed has a well functioning brain, I won’t expect you to go an extra mile to read a relatively stranger’s actions. Well, this stranger, whose hands miss holding your hands, is just actually tired.

Two months ago, you came into my life. You were like a breeze that hurried past me- moving yet so still, so intricate yet blur. You were a soft slice of moisture in my window after a heavy downpour. When the rain has passed and everything has dried up, and so are you.

I admit I went an extra mile. I thought we had a spark but I guess that’s a concept that only happens in the movies. I should have known by now but life is a goddamn movie and everyone’s acting so dramatic and so am I. God, I just hate myself. After spending so many years in a dome covered with ice, I came out too soft, too easy, too weak. Every bit of my frozen skin melted into nothingness, wiped away by the warmth caused by so many small battles that I had to fight just to get near you. I clearly lost power over my own actions. But then again, I was fighting for you and you’re not just an ordinary person in my life. I wanted you so bad. I did all of it and was fully aware. I even thought that it was worth it.

Until it wasn’t. I won’t text you anymore because while I had a good time, the amount of bad times I had to endure didn’t offset the former. Many times you said you forgot to text me because you were busy but I read somewhere that busy is another word for asshole and that I deserve more than getting a reply five hours or a day after hitting the send button. The worst part is I was so willing to let this pass. Even the moments where you keep on saying that you like me so much but doesn’t follow on through with little things that will make me happy, I let them passed. I always forgive you no matter what. I don’t know why but I was never mad at you.

I wish there’s a way to get used to this. To meet someone, fall in love with them, then fall out of love, and just walk away like nothing happened. But the thing is when you get yourself involved in this kind of situation, you always give a part of you that you can never take back. It’s a risky investment. When it’s the time to divest, you’ve already lost a lot, including time, energy, and some color in your eyes. You didn’t plan for it because it just happens. And even if you did, you’ll lose anyway unless you picked the right person at the right place and at the right time and he happens to like you back or more.

Clearly, you were not the right person. What seems to be holding me back is the wishful thinking that maybe if I push myself a little too harder, I might finally get what I want. I was close to getting it but I’m just not willing to bargain for the little things that you could give me.

I’m not going to text you anymore because you are not game to go an extra mile with me. The level of communication that we’re holding on to is just plain bullshit. I want all of you. I’m not taking parcels. If during our Viber chats, I only get to know what you did today and not how you feel; what you want not what you need; and what you will do tomorrow and not in the future, then it doesn’t get us anywhere. I was willing to tear off my entire skull and skin to show you what’s inside my head and what kind of memories are tattooed on my skin, I’m wondering why on earth you can’t do the same thing for me?

PS: I swear this is the last thing I’m going to write about James G. 06/23/2016. @ Jazz pool

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