How to know when the bad days are over
I can’t always feel scared. What the future holds is what the future holds. Even if I have loads of money, there’s no way to figure out what’s in there. I’ve always wanted so many things. Even as I write this, I’m still itching to go somewhere else, book myself a plane ticket, and get lost in this big, big world.
Lately, life’s been throwing shits at me. I really had a hard time dealing with them. Over the past months, I had to face insecurities as monstrous as the monsters beneath my bed and it consumed me for a while. I had fears that my life is not going anywhere. There are days that I just feel so broke and helpless and that I just had to drag myself to survive. I was really at my most down moment. In some nights, I just had to cry.
I’m still not ok. I’m still wondering how it should all go, like how I’m meant to wander through this earth, if it’s still possible to become a somebody than just anybody, to help out other people, to create a badass trademark that at least a hundred people will remember even when I’m already dead. It may be ridiculous for a normal person to be bothered by this kind of concern but I do. I am ridiculous. I want my existence to matter. I want to be relevant. It’s just that it’s so hard to figure it all out. I’m at the point of my life where I’m struggling to know what’s my purpose. I wish I’m smart enough to know it.
I know I still have a long way to go, that I’m going to be all sorts of failure just waiting to happen, but if there’s anything I’m dead certain about is I know I have dreams and it’s just a matter of time til’ I wake up and try to make them a reality. I really want to make them happen. I just don’t know how.
It may seem like I have a lot of excuses. I really do. I am broke and I lack resources. I’m a junior journalist whose almost half of her monthly salary goes to her house rent. Then I have to pay phone bills among other things. Everyday I have to look for ways to be afloat. In the mornings, I learned to settle with one whole cookie and a cup of coffee. Plus I really hate my work right now.
But I guess there’s really nothing wrong with that. I read recently that once you’re older, say 50, the best advice you could have given to your younger self is that life should be taken like a marathon, not a race. If you keep on sprinting, you’ll consume so much energy, drain yourself, and end up not making it to the finish line. So maybe another way to look at my situation right now is by taking it easy, breathe in, breath out, and stop myself from overthinking. Even if it’s hard, I just have to keep on trying.
Another piece of advice belong to one of the memes I found on the internet. It says that everyone works based on their “time zone”. Some colleagues, friends, and younger ones might seem to go ahead of you but people can have things worked out according to different paces. And so, yes, we must work in own “time zones”. Mine is definitely meant to be slower, I guess. Plus, I can’t just keep punishing myself for having little accomplishments in this life. I also need to recognize them every once in a while.