When James came into my life…

The last thing I need in my life right is unnecessary distractions but you came in it and I’m just as helpless as I’ve always been. I don’t need you but every part of me is longing for you uncontrollably right now. My tiny brain couldn’t stop itself from thinking about you and my heart is beating so fast I could die.

You were sitting at the stairs in front of the pool when I ran past you. How could I forget that night? We were at this random staring game until you went inside the lobby to hit the gym. I decided I want to follow you. Just when I’m entering the gym, you were already leaving. It was a shitty move but I still proceeded with my workout. Then you came back. All I wanted was to say hi but I just couldn’t so I decided to finish training ahead of you and left. I sat at the exact same spot I found you the first time. I was listening to music when you appeared into my sight again. I told my little brain that should you come near me I will talk to you. You started walking towards the opposite position, paused, and went back for a swim instead. I was losing and gaining chances at the same time. I decided to wait for it. You were a great image to look at anyway. When you get up from swim, the moment that I’ve been waiting for was finally happening. You sat at the same stairway where I was.

“Tired? You are a great swimmer,” I said.
“Thanks! I haven’t had a decent workout in years,” you replied.

Then the conversation extended throughout the night, to our first dinner together, to me wanting to see you again, and to Viber chats that was far from being romantic. I was still so glad that I found you.

What started as a poor attempt to bring the awkward stare fight to the next level is now looking to be a false hope to forever. I already knew you’re leaving in a few days yet I still went on hoping. What can I do? I just fucking like you.

Was it my fault that you stare at me like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world? Who am I not to give in to your kisses? You listened to me play the guitar, hold the phone while I look at the lyrics because I just suck at memorizing songs, constantly asked me what I want when we did grocery, you cooked for me, washed the dishes afterwards, you let my head rest on your lap, helped me with my house errands, and wrapped me around your arms like you’ll never let me go. But it’s all ending so quickly.

I was really happy that you came into my life but I almost wish it didn’t happen, that you didn’t happen to me, that one day, I let you toss me into cloud nine and left me hanging in there. I’ve been thinking so fast. I fall for things in a speed of light. There are just so many things going on in my head. I didn’t particularly like the idea of being just a quick getaway. But are we not each other’s quick getaway?

Seriously though, thank you. It’s not like it’s your fault that I fell for it irresponsibly. You have been very nice. You were nice at everyone. You have a big heart who dreams that one day, you could give back to people who have been equally nice to you. You don’t look down on people. I just respect you for that.

Am I going to see you again someday? Perhaps not anymore. I don’t know how long you’ll stay in my mind but I’ll try to keep the memories intact. I’ll try to write songs about you. They will help me move on faster. It may take awhile too before I start getting attracted to other foreign guys out there, the one that will make me do the first move again, that someone who’d stop what he’s doing to tell me I look good even if he’s quite problematic about something. It will take a few days, or weeks perhaps, but I’ll definitely bounce back. It’s what I’m good at anyway… to deal with losses.