Connect and disconnect

Human relationships are complex. That’s me wanting to state the obvious and at the same time trying to tell what I feel in one sentence. But it’s just too impossible.

Suddenly, I just want to disconnect. I felt I’m becoming too happy, too complacent, and too relaxed with my new routine. There’s really nothing wrong with that. It only felt wrong at some point.

I have nothing special to feel. I live and breathe each day as they were, trying to shrug off negative vibes, giving my best effort to be kind and reasonable in every moment that passes by. It’s all drawing. I stare at the sky and all I see is a beautiful reflection of a broken glass. Everything was real until I don’t feel anything anymore. Then I realized there’s nothing real about emptiness.

Sure I’ve got friends. I’m lucky to have them around. Every time they lay all their feelings at the same table where we’re having our dinner, I feel privileged. You know, it’s rare to find people who are willing to share everything to you. It’s like convincing them to go naked in front of you to reveal all the scars engraved on their skin. To trust and feel trusted, it’s something bigger than you can ever imagine. The problem is, even myself can’t trust myself all the time. I don’t know how much feeling I could take, especially if they’re not mine.

Sometimes, I want to lock myself in my own world, stop and listen to my own heart to see if it’s still beating. If it’s still beating for the sole reason that I’m still alive or if already turned into a machine being ran by other people’s emotions. It’s just that I feel too much for others, I sympathize with them, celebrate with them, cry with them, and laugh with them. It’s like everything I do, it’s all for them. That’s the part where I get tired the most.

I’m not saying I don’t want to help out others. Most of the time, I just do it impulsively. I don’t even have to force myself to go out of my way to reach a friend. Even if I say I can’t, there’s no way I won’t. But that’s just the way it is. I know some people are willing to do the same way for me too. My issue with people goes beyond that. I’m afraid it’s more than that.

My dream really is that one day I’d no longer feel uncertain about my relationships with people. I’ve just came to realize that human relationships are not just complex but also too delicate. The truth is I’ve been missing a lot of people in my life. I’m not saying I still want them back. Maybe they are the reason why I’m feeling empty. You know, when something has been there for a long time, when it leaves, it leaves a mark. As for people, they leave a blank space, a void, and sometimes a cliff that is so deep.

Or maybe, I need some inspiration too, the other kind of inspiration, a certain type of romance that could burn all your worries away and liquefy the frozen veins that have kept your heart locked for a long time.

I really don’t know. Maybe it’s all of them in one, the need and the longing that have both been stealing my sleep at night, giving me beautiful nightmares and mixed emotions. I don’t want to worry about these things anymore and that’s why I wanted to disconnect. I want to feel more secured about my ties. I want to learn how to connect with people without expecting they would want the same thing. It’s just that expectations are such a buzzkill.