One last shot at love this year

The year is over. Time flew really fast. I gasped heavily as I tried to welcome thoughts about what have transpired this year. It wasn’t perfect for sure. I planned and hoped for some things, a lot of which, I haven’t got yet. Less than a day in the calendar and I’m losing hope. Will there still be next year?

This year has been very different. I’ve read a lot, watched a lot, spent a lot, traveled a lot, wrote a song, moved out of the house, became independent, and slowly got back into fitness. There have been a lot of bumps in the road too but they were fine. It’s ok. After everything that happened this year, I learned that it’s okay to be okay. After all, 2015 was my most productive year ever.

So I made my last shot at love. I ditched the drama.

“Do you really like me?”
“I like you”
“But I appreciate we remain friends”
“It’s fine”

I laughed. I thought he was crazy but I was crazy too. I missed signs. At first, he made it look like he was trying to get an assurance. When he got that validation, he got back to me to say we are just friends. I bet it made him feel a thousand times more handsome. I hope he felt better when he did that because I did. I was dealing with a person with a giant cloud above his head. The cloud was full of so many things, desires, and questions. I thought I could handle that but after getting a reply for a drunk message, I realized I couldn’t. He’s fucked up. He had fucked up. A friend was right about him. I always knew she was, I was just being dismissive.

He was my one last shot at love this year. After too many attempts, I never knew it would all go back to him. He’s like the alpha and the omega of my misadventures towards love. I started my year trying it out with him. I thought if you want something bad enough, you got to let it go and if it comes back, it’s yours. So I let it all go. Then he went back, tested the waters he doesn’t actually want to swim in, wanting different things I am not game for.

I used to wish I think like a normal person, want normal things, and could appreciate small victories. Every time I look at the past, I get scared. The same feeling I get every time I look at the future. Everything scared me. I got anxious a lot. I got anxious about intangible things that couldn’t even hurt me. But I know I’m no longer that person. What this guy did to me didn’t make me cynical. I still trust the idea of love. I’m eager to see what the future holds. I’m still a normal person who wants normal things and nothing is wrong with it. Just because I tried so many times, doesn’t mean I love less and less.

Before, I was reluctant to trace the fragrance of tomorrow but I’ve always been curious about how it smells. I think it smells strong but in a good way. I could imagine its strange aroma lingering but only for so long, like a cold, breezy air in the first morning of summer. I don’t like it but I’d die for that scent.

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