The art of not giving a shit

Sometimes I care but mostly I don’t or at least, I no longer do. A few months ago I had this dilemma, asking why on earth people care so much, why I feel so much, why I give a fuck about so many things. I already knew there were no answers to those questions yet I kept asking them anyway. It was like submitting to a self-conflicted paroxysm of frictional feelings and situations that I made up in my head, so fictional and delusional but they’re really out there.

I felt there are too many imperfections in this world that are just too personal, that I feel were intended for me, to deliberately remind me I’m not meant to be happy. I used to get hurt a lot about simple things other people do to me too. I wonder why I always find myself swimming in misfortunes coupled with frustrations built as wall so I could not get a glimpse of the brighter side of the cosmos.

Eventually, I figured out there are two types of persons around me, the ones who care too much and the ones who also care but mostly don’t. I have been both and I noticed being on the latter side is so much better. I have seen people who are the former, spent time with them, and feel with them. It was an unpleasant place to be in and as much as I want to be with them, I could only stay for too long. I thought I could stay there forever with them, but I just can’t.

I noticed too that most of my issues concern other people, which I find too shallow. I’ve always thought that I need them in my life to feel more like a human, especially when I start being carried away with too many illusions and overwhelming dreams. I don’t intend to always play the victim but sometimes, I can’t help wonder why do I even have to deal with such things when all I did was care about the others. Like for example I have this friend who I feel is always in a match against me and I don’t know why but for some weird reasons, we’re not okay now apparently because of a boy. It’s just so stupid that for one second, I lost my faith in humanity and its capacity to comprehend. First of all, I don’t dump more important things like friendship for a boy. If anything, it’s always the other way around. And second, I don’t compete with friends. I even hate the idea of competing because, you know, I’m just too lazy to be better than other people.

So somehow, I already forgave myself for having so many hang-ups. I realized I no longer want to be that same person who absorbs so much feelings. I figured out that if you think about things beyond your control, it’s also like asking why can’t unicorns be real or why can’t you find the end of the rainbow. Life is too short. My heart is too fragile. My brain is too composed.

I decided that from now on, I’ll try not to let negative feelings stay inside my orbit for too long. I don’t want to give a shit anymore, especially about problems like dealing with people who have so many issues with other people. I don’t need fake problems in my life. I don’t need fake people. I want to live carefree. I want to be happy. I need to establish a barrier but that’s because I just couldn’t let everyone inside my life. Sometimes, I also need to filter and I decided toxic people are not very much welcomed in my life anymore. If you want me around, unload some of your baggage first because I ain’t going to carry that with you.