How could you tell if you like the person? How could you tell if you like him very much? Is there a way to measure feelings? How do you do it? When you have locked yourself away for a long time, when you have decided you wouldn’t want to give your heart away for a while, when can you go back? Is it possible?
I don’t mind spending some time alone. I appreciate walking and running many miles, listening to music, with no particular destination. I can go to malls, shop, eat, drink coffee and don’t get bothered because I have to do all of them by my lonesome. Sometimes, I go by a whole day without talking to anyone at all and it’s just fine with me.
Yesterday morning, I reminded myself to write about a recurring feeling. It is the feeling when sometimes, even if you can stand being alone for a long time, a certain kind of longing creeps into you uncontrollably. It is when you yearn for the thought of yearning for someone, or for moments that will cradle you to sleep and wake you up with a smile on your face. Then I thought, was I asking for too much?
Coincidentally that night, I’m scheduled to meet a friend I met online. I thought it was going to be just the two of us but it turned out that he was with other two guy friends. Since it was the first time that I’ll actually go out with someone that I met on the parallel side of reality that is the internet, I was having mini chills. But then I told myself “Fuck it. These guys wouldn’t kill you but if that’s their intention, make them struggle as you fight for survival”.
It was not a romantic pursuit. It was very casual. I’m curious, always will be. I wanted to meet new people. I wanted to talk to someone. I like the idea of a fresh start with regards to human interactions and relationships. And the experience wasn’t bad at all too because while it was fun overall, there was a Julian to distract me too. No, he was not the guy I’m scheduled to meet. He’s one of the friends who were tagged along in the meet up.
I don’t know why. But for some reasons, Julian was saying the right words. He was making the right gestures. He was looking at me the way I want to be looked at. And I was a little too captivated by his eyes.
Then I woke up today smiling to the thought of him even if I didn’t know his number. I don’t know his full name. And I let myself chilled to death in a coffee shop nearby where he could possibly pass by so I could get another glimpse of him amid its impossibility. In short, there’s a big chance I will never see him again.
It’s really funny how the mind and the heart of a person work, like how mine are bitching me out right now. But it was all cool. I could still smile. I could still think. I could still work. There was just a tiny piece in my brain that got paralyzed upon realizing that I’ll actually dig this guy. I believe in the spontaneity of things. I believe in love at first sight. I believe that if things are meant to be, they will happen. If not, then I still thank the universe for this Julian guy.
But he did text me later on. How he got my number, I must not ask. All I know is, thoughts about Julian proved me how I can really stay alone for a long time… as long as some interesting things keep passing by and I don’t run out of things or people to think about. So for now, there is him to think about and that’s enough to keep me going.