The alternative

It’s been a while since I’ve been involved to someone romantically. I’ve crossed the love avenue several times but it was always either the wrong address or I walk too fast to notice that I passed by there again. Since my first love, never did I attempt to jump off the cliff again… as if someone is actually there to jump with me or trick me into jumping. Well, I’m glad there was no one because my then fragile heart could have taken further risk and that’s just me. If the first risk didn’t materialize into something great then the second one might so I’d just keep on doing the same thing until it really hurts already.

But I no longer feel hurt. In fact, I don’t feel anything. I’m happy to survive each day of my life right now without having to need someone that could fill me up because I’m young, I’m not empty, and I feel so stupid for feeling so down over a heartbreak.

As a pre-valentines date, my friends and I watched this movie “That thing called Tadhana”. Tadhana means destiny in Filipino. The movie is all about old love and a potential new one and since this is not a movie review, I’ll proceed with what I felt after watching it.

I felt bad and good at the same time. You know the feeling that you just feel so good that it suddenly felt bad but then you remind yourself that you’re supposed to feel good and then you felt good again. The movie didn’t get me crying but there were parts of it that got me smiling. The plot spoke to me and convinced me to feel good about myself and I did.

Lately, I’ve been talking to a lot of people, different men almost each night in this not so popular social networking app. It was funny. I’ve been trying to avoid joining anything of some sort but I’ve felt nothing but a bit surprised. Although some people might think it’s a bit desperate, I’ve got my own first-hand view on it now. Less than a month since joining, I actually found this particular app interesting and entertaining.

You get to meet a lot of people, of course mostly men, and finding interesting ones is also not that bad, maybe within the 5:10 ratio. It’s not like I’m going to marry these guys but I really learn a lot from them. You get to study men, loads of them, in various form—their personality, interests, attitude, values, views, priorities, among other traits. Some were slave of their own needs but you can’t hate on them because that’s them, no one disallows them be like themselves; some were actually hidden gems hiding in a dork’s character, you just have to unleash what they could be; and some were just naturally cool.

Fun was an understatement. It keeps me busy when there’s nothing to do and it doesn’t demand me to be there when I’m actually occupied with legit things to do as a real person. You don’t long for them because they could be there when you need them. They’re just there swarming in an open free market like for the first time in your life, you get to prove that indeed, there are tons of fishes in the fucking sea.

Okay, I’m not desperate and the more I keep doing this, the more I prove to myself that I’m not. Somehow, it will make you realize again that you don’t deserve any less better but always the best. It helped me to be more wise with my choices at the same time unearth some tricks that I shall not fall for. Whoever said that there was never really much choice in this world are the ones who always failed to explore the options. Who says you couldn’t choose? Even in this venture called love.

I made this option, a temporary one. It may seem superficial but it could keep me from just waiting. Whether or not I will still meet the right person for me, it doesn’t really matter anymore, at least for now. As long as I’m pleased, I don’t feel empty and there’s someone to distract me, my family and friends are already enough to play their own vital roles in my own movie.

Who knows?

Maybe ‘tadhana’ is just one chat away.

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