One of my friends at work has been talking about the future lately:

“I decided to live in the future because that’s where we will all end up anyway”

It was him being in his usual nerdy crazy self but I love him anyway. I know he’s venturing into something fun and challenging and I can’t help but be jealous.

Where am I heading in this life?

Maybe it’s a bit too early to ask? Maybe some people would tell me that I’m still young so I should stop being bothered.

Every time my friend utters the word ‘future’, it will always strike me like ice cold water that burst around me from somewhere unidentified. It’s such a tricky concept that could either make you cautious or excited.  In this particular moment, I’m cautious.

Of course I know where I want to be in the future. It’s not a forecast or whatever.  I know I must build the future since all the failures and frustrations in life are actually the cause of too much waiting, of just waiting. But how do I start? I’m really clueless. Where do you draw your plans, in the air? When do you live your dreams, when you wake up? But I’m always wide awake. What if I get lost upon my search? What if there is more what ifs in this journey that I wouldn’t be able to find the answers to?

I’ve always told myself that I don’t want to stay in this industry for too long. For one, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life pretending that the cutthroat competition doesn’t kill me like an elephant in the room that I chose to ignore every time. My friend told me to keep saying to myself what I really want because that could keep me from being stuck. That’s the first step. I’m always at the first step.

When older people tell me I’d reach far in this career, I usually don’t know what their basis is.  They haven’t probably met a real deal established business journalist. If I quit, would they be frustrated? Will I be frustrated? I mean, I have no plans to become a real deal established business journalist anyway. But if I quit, it also means starting from nothing. Back to square one and my life could be over.

“If you can’t see the future, build it”

Ok? How? All I know is I couldn’t see any signs of future from where I am standing now. My eyes have never been this clear but my visualization about the future is only as far as what I have to do the next day, which mainly involves not eating too much so I could achieve my fitness goals.

Although, I have a few things on my bucket list that I would like to share:

~color my hair violet; play in a band like a genuine rockstar that actually rocks; visit a foreign place or country alone; build a café; finish a novel; and wake up feeling proud of what I look after years or months [I hope] of exercising; among others.

It was a real list but none of them actually is about building the future. If I want to make a change, it has to be inclusive. A lot should benefit from it. So how I can make it happen if I don’t even have a legit plan? I couldn’t even pretend and think to myself that I could change the world because I couldn’t. I think I know why.

When I was young, I witnessed how my family fell apart from day one. It forced my subconscious to contain my dreams, make it smaller and smaller each day until the day came that I knew the only thing that will make me happy someday is to build my family a new home and buy my dad his dream car.

Maybe it’s not bad at all too. If the future that I’m planning to build is all about trying to harvest for my family’s happiness, maybe it’s not that bad at all too. If I am going to be able to unite my family once more in this lifetime, then I could make a great influence in the succeeding generation in my family, the next roots in the family tree.  Maybe love is the key to the future. If you make efforts to spread it like a rainbow down to what’s out there years from now, maybe the future wouldn’t be so bad after all.