It was over

I was trying to light a worn-out candle. I was hoping to see something clearer off the flicker. It was too dark that even if I tried groping amidst the obscurity I still felt nothing but emptiness.

The candle, I saw a flick from the tediously dancing blaze. I took it as a sign that it could grew to a beacon. Turns out, waiting for the little flame to change into something else, something bigger, is the worst decision of all.

I knew it was over when you let me rode the train alone. At first, I was really convinced that you would finally join me after a long wait from the station. We’ve skipped so many rides but waiting for the right time is something I thought was worth it. I let you go several times and watched you come back in the exact same location every single time you get hurt. During the long wait, I also tried my luck with different people but fortune was never on my side.

They said the best way to catch a train is to miss the first one. Separately, we already missed so many rides so I thought it’s still sane to hope or believe that we can take this one last ride together. Tears fell from my eyes as I lost my sight of you. I couldn’t believe you can let go of me so easy.

Earlier, you said you want to be really, really sure first before pursuing anything with me. You know what’s so strange about it? You’ve always been soliciting a guarantee yet you’re willing to risk everything about us by keeping your distance. It was the kind of absurdity that I’d never want to deal with, or at least I don’t want to deal with anymore.

I don’t want to be mad. It’s the last thing that I want to feel towards you. If there’s a flaw in the whole process, it was when I thought we can happen in real life. I’ve dismissed this idea several times but I keep on assembling them over and over like a prodigal being I keep on accepting within my life even if it doesn’t make things generally better.

It was over. It has long been over. If we were a contract, it should have expired a long time ago. The train station is closing its doors on us. Either we go there separately or not at all. It’s exhausting to go back and forth to a place just to witness things to rise and fall apart afterwards. The candle was completely devoured. It was just stupid to think I can still make a refined glow out of it.