You may leave, just don’t disappear

I was reading a friend’s blog earlier and it was basically about attachments or relationship with people, or in a glamorized way to call it, friendship. I took a deep breath after reading her words. They were openly honest but also so distant at some point.

Letting go will never be easy and goodbyes will always hurt even if they are good. But you would rather know the people you love are actually leaving than just suddenly see no traces of them the day after you hangout just because you guys are both not just ready for it.

As much as goodbyes are hard to accept, you have to think it’s even harder to say them, especially to people you’ve had a really good time with.

It’s normal to feel hurt when this sort of things happen but you have to bring yourself back to that moment when you realize you could be friends with these people who are now leaving. It could be so random that on a normal day this newbie at work called you and ask for some directions and you found it funny. Or it could be so gradual that you guys just suddenly found yourselves talking about your family and love life.

I came from so many moments of my life where I was left hanging by some people who mean so much to me, those moments where I was literally grasping for air while searching through an unknown surface for answers that was never written on it. As time flies, I no longer wish for answers, I just pray that whatever reason they have for abandoning my ties with them, I wouldn’t come across it so I don’t have to use it as an excuse to leave anyone behind without telling him or her.

My first experience of this was when I was still in college. My college professor confessed his feelings for me one day and being the naïve person that I was, I really thought I could also like him back. The relationship was just wrong in so many ways but because I love taking risk, I didn’t want to let it pass my life as a ‘could have been’. I did what I thought I had to do. I loved him back.

I didn’t intentionally term it love. I know it wasn’t love at all but I want to be accurate about what really happened. He told me he loves me and I responded with a very adolescent ‘I love you too’, so youthful yet hostile as if the words were only spoken for the first time in history. During a random phone conversation, we agreed to have our supposedly first date. The date was scheduled towards the end of the semester. Meaning, he is no longer my professor by then and I am no longer his student. We are free.

The end of the semester came and I was optimistically waiting for his text message the night before our ‘first date’. During that night, I went crazy and paranoid because he didn’t text at all. On the day of our date itself, I was still hopeful until I figured out that everything was turning into a hopeless case. I never got anything from him, neither an explanation nor a suicide note. Technically, I didn’t know if he was still alive except he still is because he became my professor again the next term. Beforehand, he told me he would no longer accept it if my school would give him another load so our forbidden relationship doesn’t have to be illegal anymore. So when I found out that he was still going to be my teacher, I only thought:

 

What a douche!

 

It took me some time to recover but I eventually did. I still cringe towards the stupid feeling it made me feel every time I allow myself to recall what happened. A few years after his disappearance, we found ourselves talking again. I asked why he did what he did even if it would no longer make any difference. I’ll quote his reply because I’d never forget how he said this:

You were only 18 and a student. I freaked out. Sorry.

I was actually thankful that he freaked out that early because even if he didn’t, he would still find his way to that uncertainty surely and eventually, either on the day of our first date itself or on our wedding day and he would just disappear as a runaway groom. It is because once a coward will always be a coward, at some point or at any point of his life.

Anyway, I’m so through with that. I’ve experienced a fair amount of things that are quite similar to that afterwards. Despite that, I’m still convinced that there will never be any logical excuse for abrupt disappearance except if you were murdered or got hit by a car. I’m not possessive, I know how to practice the art of letting go. I can set you free if you want to, not as if you’ve actually been a prisoner. I’m just saying, you may leave any time you want, just don’t fucking disappear.

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