Sipping my third cup of tea, I’m still undecided if I really want to write about you. My feelings are mixed up right now. Lost in the faculty of my senses, my feelings were strangled with confusion and a variety of doubts. First, I’m facing attachment issues from my resignation at work. Second, it’s you. You are responsible for the rest of the uncertainty. I told myself it may be too early for a blog about you but then it could also be a little too late for it. After all, we are not coming from scratch. But don’t get me wrong, “there was never an ‘us’”.
Eight years ago, I saw you. You were one of the knights of the altar in this church I go to for Sunday, Tuesday, and other masses. The feeling was not constant but every time I see you then, I’ve always liked you—the way you walk, the way your “sutana” fits you so well, and the way you shine through my eyes from afar. A few years after I get to form this seasonal feeling of admiration towards you, I finally got the chance to know you. It was during summer 2010 when I joined this chorale in that church. It was a very boring season so when my cousin and I were approached to join this group, we did not hesitate. But of course, part of me was thinking this could also be my chance to finally meet you. Until I proved to myself one day that dreams do come true when you introduced yourself to me and asked for my number.
It has been a long time ago. We didn’t change numbers. There was a time when we became each other’s quick-fix solution to boredom. The communication was on and off but when it’s there, we provide ourselves a kind of diversion that’s basically making me happy temporarily, always temporarily.
We were there again… at the point of our lives where we began squeezing that familiar sweet distraction in us for the nth time. This time, I thought it was different. We grew older. I proclaim myself as a bit more mature now. I experienced heartaches. You don’t have to tell me this but I know you did too. It was exhausting. I thought we were both at the stage that admiration should be taken more seriously, where we’ve come to figure out that emotions are the most fragile thing on earth, hence, we should not play by its bounds. I was wrong. I am at that stage, you weren’t.
For a long time, I have been staring at the blank pages of our story. There was never something to write on it until now. We talk, we tease each other, and we stare fight. Nothing was serious about us. It was a mistake that I thought something really changed. One day, you appeared and suddenly left. The gesture was not new to me because there was a time that I really don’t care if that happens. What hurts me now is that I have come to learn that I’m still your quick-fix solution to boredom when I battled against unnecessary expectations just to let you stay on top of my mind.
Finally, I know what to write about us. It was a crazy rollercoaster ride we’ve always been expecting but never came. The excitement and the urge to stay shallow were always there. It was the kind of a relationship that hates familiarity and commitment. It really worked before. But now, I don’t think it will. I am a mature person making real investments. You may come as often as you want but don’t block the traffic. We were a fairy tale. We never happened in real life. I guess I just have to convince myself more about that fact so as to avoid further heartaches.
Your name is Aldrich. You were not the prince charming in this story. You were just a background. My real love story has not even started yet.