Don’t make me feel guilty of something I didn’t do alone. We both did it. We all know a tango never works when being done alone. But it’s still my fault. I have started a battle within myself against myself. I just thought I can blame you or anyone but the truth is it was all just me.
The thing about me is I don’t plan so much. I let things slip away like a dust that’s passing through unnoticeable instances, same as with decisions. I’ve always been so spontaneous. I rule the world with my impulsive choices. I never stopped to think twice. I just know I had to do what I did, no matter how much mess they can make.
Approximately eight days ago, I was blown away by you. I thought the best thing to do is to submit myself to be able to take control. I already admitted to Universe before that I miss that certain feeling when your grip is no longer just for material things but also for someone else. So when the opportunity showed itself, I let myself drown with too much innate weakness. At first, being near you was already enough until I started to long for something deeper. It was a feeling that’s hard to pin down, impossible to define, and was almost inexistent except it really did.
I was in the point of my life that questioning my own decisions was a mortal sin. I really wanted it. I wanted you to be near me as closest you could get. My heart was shouting whispers of an intangible desire that only you could fulfil. It was a moment that I could not stop from happening because I may not be able to have the chance to encounter it again. But the fact that it doesn’t have to happen in the first place is something that hurts me all the time.
You have someone else. That’s the ultimate reality. I already said I didn’t intend to destroy lives because I have mine to destroy but what I did, what we did, is something that can’t be justified. I knew I could have killed anyone with my own inhibitions because I’ve been mistreated with the exact same thing before.
Actually, I didn’t particularly like you. It’s the part of you that could fill the lingering emptiness inside me. I could have picked someone else but you don’t choose the people you could trust your fragile self with. You’re taken and it helps. It puts us between clear borders that could back me up from interpreting beyond what happened, preventing me to assume that there could be a life for us in this lifetime. I guess I wasn’t just ready for love but all of this also proves I don’t deserve it after all.
A colleague used to tell me “we’re all victims of circumstances” when things like this happen. Indeed, I was. I was a victim of a life’s prerequisite. My fear is just too strong that I had to do it with someone whose heart already belongs to someone else because I can’t afford to own it. In the end, that one thing that has almost killed me before ended up being my weapon and it sucks.