Boys

They will give you the universe once their orbit submitted to yours… once they figured out they can spend a whole day chasing you or once they can start imagining their life with you in it. Sometimes, they fail. Sometimes, they succeed. It all depends on you. Will you buy it?

I only fell hardly in love once but there were other times that I thought I actually did love other men beforehand and afterwards. I was never the kind of girl who can easily attract. They would say my posture that improved through time and tall height are making me look intimidating. The way I talk can be a bit off too. I’m not afraid to speak out my mind—I say everything I want to say, I blurt, I rant, I cry, I criticize, I praise, I write. And I barely care about other people would say and think about me. Even so, there were still some guys who get who I am. While others are challenged, some are either just plain too naïve to understand me deeper or even competitive enough in trying to capture my weakness.

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I was in my third year in college. I met the first guy who I thought I have loved. It was a short lived summer fling although my feelings for this guy who is a couple of years younger than me were so intense. It was all new to me—the relationship (if I were to consider it as one), the firsts, and that kind of conversation you do with a person you are going crazy for. If you’re going to look at it at the farthest point, it was just all shallow. He was immature and he doesn’t get my wit. Still, I bought it. I trusted him, his petty jealousy, and shallow promises. All because he said he likes me and I’ve never encountered such instance before… when the guy you like also likes you.

The next one is very different. From a childish summer fling, I jumped into a very serious one a year after. It was all spontaneous. For the nth time, I fell for words and reciprocation. This time, very seriously. And this time, I assumed it’s really love. I mean, who would have thought that my internship supervisor would actually like me? So I absorbed it really hard and luxuriated on it from the tip of my toes to the innermost layer of my heart. But it still ended as one of the densest episodes of my life. After I gave up a fair amount of things, we still fell apart eventually.

For those two relationships that I had, I just realized how weak I was before. I submitted easily to words even if I rule above them over my writings. I kept things unspoken because I thought my gestures would show them. I don’t argue because I thought silence is the best remedy to an impaired moment.

At the end of it all, you will find yourself smiling at the idea of how powerful is reciprocation in admiring another person. It can beat you so hard you can end up hating on yourself. You thought you were strong to handle your own emotions but when mutual understanding happens, it just starts consuming you until you’d realize that you keep on turning into a different person when you’re in love.

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