Humanly cynical

Here I go again in my usual episode of being impatient about everything. Just the other day, I was writing about falling in love and how people should value its sacredness. I just wasn’t able to predict that I’m going to be this nostalgic now, probably the dream I had this morning. Perhaps, my subconscious just got so tired of dwelling on the thoughts about the non-existent future, so it flashed me twisted images of the past.

I was with this person I used to know back in high school. We were really not that close even if my dreams showed me otherwise. I guess, the universe is just trying to remind me of the feeling of being with someone… when your hand does not belong to you alone anymore but it’s meant to intertwine with someone else’s and your heart no longer beats just for life but also for love.

I kind of miss the feeling. Thanks to my subconscious, i felt it again. It is not everyday that I would get the chance to meet someone who I can spend the whole day thinking about. In fact, i was in that situation only a few times, my hands are enough to count such instances. I intentionally didn’t overdo love, yet, i’m experiencing its scarcity. Still afraid to admit I’m on the verge of giving up on it, i try to live up each day setting aside a little hope that I may get bump into a stranger in a random waiting line or cafe who could already be the one.

It’s also probably because of the cold weather here in the countryside. I’m currently in Baguio, a relatively high city far from the capital. I’m trying to keep myself sane for this economic journalism seminar but i could not stop my brain from lurking around from here to there. My attention is sliced now. My thoughts are webbed in an extensive unfamiliar wall of my existence with sight bewildered in mystery. Where to look at? Where to set my focus on?

Work, love, art, family—something’s really missing in this life. My dreams are just plain blunt to demonstrate it uncontrollably. A few years ago, I was that girl hopeful for everything. But experiences thought me more than my ambition did. I tried to disregard love and relationships as one of the key elements in life and it’s because I let lots of things overshadowed me. Nevertheless, my immunity against those things is still very much human, it bends and it tends to forget.