How not to defend your feelings

My lola is sick. Very sick. My mom’s calm but she’s lost inside her head while her heart tries to do the decision-making. My aunt’s going back and forth to our house to tell us developments in my grandma’s health but it’s not the news that they’re actually bringing us it’s their desire to share their pain.

This brings me back to 2010 when my mom almost died to aneurysm. She had to be in coma for many hours, stay in ICU for almost a week, and undergo a fatal brain surgery to get through. As her daughter, or at least as a person that gets to stay with her in one house almost every day, I found it hard to deal with it. On the night she went on a coma, I went home with blank stares. I couldn’t believe that the person I share bed with can’t be with me on that night because she’s in a hospital bed, slapped unconscious by a monstrous illness.

I was amid crucial part of my thesis and about to defend it in few weeks. To juggle my broken heart with the key that will lead me to finals is what I needed to do. From time to time, I had to work on it while it’s my turn to keep my mom guarded throughout the night. I knew I had to go on even if the walls behind me are slowly falling apart because it seemed that I don’t have much choice.

My mom and I were never close. If I were to choose, I would opt to be with my dad all the time. But seeing her weakly battling death is killing me. My pain is immeasurable.

One night, one of my bestfriends decided to go with me to the hospital but ended up sleeping over to our house. My dad turned on the karaoke as soon as we got home. I knew he was just trying to amuse us. We’ve all been exhausted. I guess my dad’s effort to try to forget for some hours is forgivable. After all, all of us will still be sleeping with a heavy heart that night.

The next thing I knew, every relative of ours on my mother’s side has already been cursing us, accusing us of celebrating out of my mom’s very ill state. My aunts and my uncles, they all started to look at me with judging eyes. They hated me as well as my dad and I knew how they unbelievably doubted my love for my mother. They hated on my father even more. Even though my dad and my mom have already been separated for quite awhile now, I know dad will always choose mom over everything if things hadn’t turn out so chaotic in their marriage. That’s a fact. I feel that each time my dad shares sentiments towards his broken relationship with my mother. I guess there’s just no way I could make people understand this thing.

It was funny, you know. Everyone judged us about how we feel. No one even bothered to take consideration. All of them were so busy about themselves. They are not just trying to get sympathy for my mom they’re also trying to get one for themselves for feeling so sad and devastated.

The thing is, I don’t need sympathy. I don’t owe it to anyone to show how I feel. If I look unaffected about what’s happening to our family, that’s because I don’t let things sink in every second of the day. If I did, I should be completely insane now. Feeling so much grief inside you is already hard, letting people feast on it will even be tougher.

The rule is to never allow anyone to savour on your agony.

That certain dilemma is already over. My mom is completely alive. But I’ve never really defended my feelings to her siblings.

Last night, two of my aunts were frantically knocking our door, telling us my grandma was rushed to hospital again and was admitted to an ICU, which indicates how bad her status is. I can’t figure out to myself when to let it all sink in. I love my grandma. I’m not her favourite granddaughter but I don’t have to be one to feel so much affection for her. When we lost our former grandfather, her husband, I realized how bad of a person I was for not letting him in closely to my life. It was a regret I’m trying to spare myself of with my relationship to my grandma.

I was composed while they’re trying to bring me the bad news. It pissed them off. I knew they’re trying to get something from me. Maybe a reaction that would compliment their feelings. But they failed. They always fail.

Now, I don’t know how to go on this day with thoughts of her. She’s very ill. If I could only bequeath her some of my youth to provide her some strength, I would. I badly would.

Me grandma~Adelaida Bagtas

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I’m seeking out prayers for her. I hope this blog helps.

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