I versus work

I am supposed to be watching now but I decided to write instead. I’ve been on leave for two weeks now and I will be back for work in a couple of days. I realized I haven’t been writing for quite a while now, this, when I have so much feelings overfilling the jar of my emotions. Random and diverse, I’ve been containing them somewhere far behind my shadows. I knew I was trying to runaway from something but the chase is coming to an end. I needed to stop and be caught.

In about less than 30 hours, I’ll be back to what I have been doing for almost two years now. After the longest break I’ve had so far since I started working, I’ll be writing business news again. I will be a phony if I won’t admit I’m not eager to be back. I’m excited, actually. Although I think my comeback would be more ideal if I will be bringing along with me lucid decisions because if they were made, I wouldn’t have to stay for too long again. And my two-weeks off would have been a perfect transition.

Business reporting and print journalism have already become huge part of me. They are the air I breathe now. If I were to turn my back on it, I believe I have to make it sooner or I can stay longer and just die when the time comes I really have to leave it behind. I took a time off thinking I could finally come up with something but my head is messed up in a way it couldn’t be fixed overnight. All I know is I need to quit before my veins got stuck and my soul starts sourcing more life into it. It’s not like it’s a bad thing but it wouldn’t be healthy for someone who has always wanted to be somewhere else. I’ve always known where I want to be but how to get there is a question I opted to leave unanswered for a bit. So until then, the fear of what feeling the fulfillment of that dream would actually confer lingers.

I’ve been luxuriating on my dreams for quite a while now. I’m imagining of buying a plane ticket and live somewhere far. Any job will do. I might not get a decent job, or at least the kind of job I have now, but I will be independent and I’ve been dreaming of independence ever since. My plans are not really that big. They are not something to hide in condensed secrecy. “I just want a change, there was no rationale behind my choice,” an author of another blog said. She’s right. I exactly feel the same. Though it’s really not the quality of it that makes it harder to reach, it’s more of the reality that’s beneath and above it. It’s always the reality, the reason why sane people become insane and insane people become sane.