Rationale for being stubborn

I’m not a workaholic. I never was. Instead of staying up late in the press office to keep an eye out on my computer if there’s any big news that would still come up, I will prefer to go home, check if there’s really something that came up, and spend the rest of the day relaxing, be it reading, watching, playing the guitar or hanging out with neighbor friends.

Even when I was still in college, or even in high school, I was never a study freak. I never studied hard. I guess the only thing that helped me survive those excruciating years was my ability to listen. If I heard something interesting, then that’s already a certain piece of knowledge that I don’t have to review over and over again before the examination day. So I said I only remember things that I find interesting. That means I don’t have to explain anymore why I found it hard to pull off very high grades back then.

The worst part? I think I have brought my lousy mind-set to work. I still value my free time over than the others. When it comes to scooping, which is a sacred value to this profession, I also suck. It’s not that I can’t do it but I don’t want to do it. This is all because of my stupid belief that if you’re trying to out scoop other journalists, you’re not doing it for the majority, you’re doing it for yourself. And what do you get from it at the end of the tunnel? Self-worth? Confidence? More fans? Better than ever before treatment among PRs and sources? This is crazy. This is the saddest thing I have encountered in my entire life. Sourcing happiness from getting these little pieces of information by yourself to land in your newspaper is really not me at all. It’s great that you can do it, I admire you for that, but if it becomes your oxygen tank in your swelling obsession and well-being alone, then it’s really getting bad.

So, yes. It’s me. Welcome to my world and it is ok to be annoyed. I get annoyed about myself a lot too. Sometimes, I want to punch myself in the face because I don’t care if the society thinks that I’m not worthy of all the things that I have because I do not exert extra efforts. But I’m working hard, maybe not just enough to feed their mouths the opulence of having to tap their expectations. But I swear to God and even to my editor, I’m working hard. I’m trying to.

The thing about this society is they always expect too much from you. If you give them want they want at first, you are also sort of giving them the free admission to luxuriate on the things that you can give them every single time. Then after giving them what they want, you’ll get applauded. You will feel appreciated, or loved, or valued and so you will keep on doing the same thing. At first, it really gives you genuine happiness until it became just something that’s just part of the job and you will notice the people don’t value it as much as before anymore. Time will come that people wouldn’t really have to expect and ask for you to do it because they just have to wait for it. Worst, it will turn you into a maniac. For all your efforts to satisfy, all you’ll get for a price is an obsession that sticks into your brain and maybe, into your soul too.

I admit that I have twisted beliefs, things that I keep on doing that do not conform to what others are doing because they would think it’s not proper. I don’t need to satisfy anyone. I don’t need to circus around, to make myself look funny, to get someone’s support. Although just because I think it’s not necessary to please others, I can already be discourteous. And as far as my work is concerned, I always make sure I’m not disrespecting anyone and that includes my employer.

The last thing that I want to happen in my life is to get stuck in one place. I opted not to press on myself on specific things because all I want to do is to jump from one thing to another from time to time, and make my life as fun, unstructured, yet productive as possible. I don’t want to spend years of my life writing the same things in my diary, crying about the same old stupid problems, and enjoying similar moments that pass me by.

Change is the rule of life and my method of dealing with it is my hunger for changes themselves. I will only live once and I will be completely sorry for myself if more than a decade from now, I’m still doing the exact same things. But just because I don’t want to stay too long in this job, doesn’t mean I don’t love it. I just think that one way or another, loving things meant not overdoing them.