Happiest moments make you the saddest

I just had the best Christmas in so many years, or at least up to that part of my adolescent years that I can still remember. No grand dinner, no exaggerated music in the background, and not much people around. But it was the best because after so many past and recent moments in my life where I have been wishing to feel my family as a family again, it somehow happened at last.

It was a dream that used to keep on revolutionizing in my head until it goes backward. In every year, in every moment, and in every frustration, i learned how to squeeze that dream into a much realistic point of view. Those down moments with my family that I had to endure for so many years have taken me into an opposite version of the happy place that I used to believe I have and now I have just been dreaming of, a place where there are less expectations and more anticipation of an endless series of pain. But despite this, I have never gave up on that dream and my decision to keep on hoping and praying for it has somehow paid off.

Over the years, people are spending less and less efforts on the Christmas season. You may still see excessive Christmas lights on the main roads but on the residential side, there’s really not much to see anymore. This time of the year has turned externally duller– no more Christmas lights for households, less Christmas decorations and quite not major preparations. But Christmas is still Christmas even if it seems less colourful now.

Last December 24, my mom, two brothers, and I went to Bicol to celebrate Christmas with my dad, who just got retired earlier this year and decided to go back and settle in the place where he grew up. I was supposed to go there alone but some heavenly wind brushed up to our broken home and made my brothers and mom go with me. For the first time, I have celebrated this event with them alone and it was a thousand times better than doing it with your whole bunch of relatives, be it in your mother or father’s side.

On the Christmas day itself, December 25, my family went to a road trip to Mayon Volcano and many other places. The whole day was mostly spent in the car but it was the best. Random conversations, petty arguments, a fruitful lunch, among others, were all the reasons why I slept as a happy girl that night.

Still, the problem about being at the happiest moments in your life is you get instantly sad when you’re already not in it. Slowly losing grip of the most wonderful moments in your life is the worst feeling on earth, that moment when the night is getting darker and just that morning you were having the best time of your life. You couldn’t almost imagine that few hours before you sleep, you were the happiest person in the world. And the thought that this universe is so big and turning rapidly each moment that it could just strongly ignore your wish for a soft and kind transition will make you cry a bit.

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