A Christmas cold night dilemma

We’ve never really been so deep. Our relationship didn’t even get that far. At least if you compare it to how long I have planned for it to last which is forever. Or maybe it was deep, or maybe it really did go far, it’s just that the measure of love and intentions has been somewhat put on the line.

Was I really loved? It’s the question that has been stabbing me like a knife until now. Even if it has already been long enough for me to even forget your mobile number or the plate number of your car, it’s still somehow there, like a ghost you believe you saw but it’s either really not there or has long disappeared.

A week ago, I was feeling too sentimental and went back to our past interactions, reviewed our previous conversations, and took a painful glimpse of some of our photos. It was a major decision despite its proximity to the present because it is still what it is no matter how hard for me to accept that I haven’t really gotten over it. That even until now, I still couldn’t imagine myself being with someone else, holding somebody else’s hand, and kissing somebody else’s lips. That even if I dare think of it, my head will provide me that certain memory when I told you that I can’t stand the thought of ending up with another man and living in my dream house without you as my partner in life.

Maybe, I planned too early. The thing is, you told me the exact same thing and I believed any single word you said. I know you knew I believed you. The reason why I did all the things I did is because I believed you, which I thought what you really wanted at the first place… for me to trust you.

It’s not that I’m still mad at you. Things happened far too long ago for me to feel the same level of hatred. Even if I try, I really can’t do anything about that past or even re-arrange it a bit so I could say you were not the one that got away.

You were my moon and my sun. I used to wake up each day smiling just because there was ‘you’ to smile about and I could never count the nights I’ve spent on the living room’s couch just to sleep on the sound of your voice.

It’s Christmas time again and I couldn’t help but entertain these feelings. The season has somehow become my nostalgic clock. During this time of the year, the tip of the clock usually ticks back to memories that I could not ignore. It’s like waking up to another day but trying to live and survive it with past memories that have either made you happy or sad during the year.

But for the record, I’m no longer miserable. I’m just being too sentimental, I guess. If there’s one thing I want to happen is get past all these series of recollection segment of my life and move on to 2014 with less regrets.

When I tried to open up this to a friend, I could only think that maybe it’s time for me to let go, the real kind of letting go, the one that will make me shed happy tears.

Today, I’m trying to learn how to be happy for you. When I told that to my friend, she asked me if that’s really necessary after what happened. I guess it is. You have been an important part of me. We have once loved each other although that love eventually turned into hatred. It was a cycle that has to be completed in order for me to be able to start over. I started with love and should end with it as well. Acceptance and forgiveness are my access back to the road of infinite, unconditional faith in life and love. I know it’s not going to be easy but I’ve suffered far too long that I sometimes think it has already become just an illusion… that the pain isn’t existing anymore but I keep on imagining that I’m still living with it.

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