My passion for music and Lana Del Rey

“Music makes me literally happy,” I thought, after I found myself smiling while listening to some of Lana Del Rey songs, which I’ve just been discovered few days back.

I don’t have a great voice. I know how to play different musical instruments but I can’t use them like a pro. I write songs but they aren’t as good as the songs that I listen to everyday. But my passion for music is eternal. I muse over memories through music. I cry and laugh with it like I’m living an endless music video. And most importantly, it’s making me feel alive especially when things are losing their colours like leaves turning into nothing but crusty pieces of history scattered on the ground.

I listen to music not because I am generally a sentimental person that has been going through a lot of issues. I live and breathe emotions through the songs I’ve felt, experienced and listened to. I appreciate words and melody combined together to create profound art no one could ever explain except the one who made them. Across all genres, across all kinds, across all time, my appreciation for music is limitless.

Few days back, a friend asked me how many songs are stored in my computer. I said I think I have approximately 3,000 songs in my iTunes. He was in awe and told me jokingly that I must have been going through a lot. I took it as a joke, of course, and then I thought of Lana Del Rey, my recently formed fondness of her, how I like her songs, how her art sliced me open and stitched me afterwards,  how her voice could painfully ricochet through reality and fantasy at the same time.

I don’t just listen to songs because I’m sad or because I want to bring back some selected memories. Music, above all my other passions, is my childhood, my adolescence, my present, and my future. I remember how I would often wake up as a child to old random songs my father would play every morning. Even up to this moment, I could still intricately remember how I started to sing, and then how I learned how to play the guitar and then how to play the piano and then how I’m now starting to learn how to play the drums. All of these are good memories. Yes, I would sometimes listen to music to refresh some good old memories but there would also be times where I would just listen to music, with eyes closed, take in the lyrics inside me, imagine how such beautiful songs could have ever been written, and thank the people who made them, for opening up, for sharing their experience, harmonized and with very artful tune.

Every now and then, I sob with the thought that I can’t pursue music because of so many things that just won’t let me. But I guess this is what life is really all about. The things that you love are the things that will also hurt you the most but will also make you feel genuine happiness. The things that you need will also be the things that will frustrate you big time but will also make you feel triumphant at some point. I guess that’s just it. Music is my passion, my euphoria and frustration, my weakness and my strength, the only thing that could embrace my soul with such tenderness, so gentle it could make me cry randomly, with no particular reason.