How a dream could fuck me up

Lately I’ve been having weird dreams about the past and as much as I hate it, it’s not like I could control it. They were not purely bad, I mean my dreams. Most of the time, my dreams would be about beautiful memories I once had. These kind of dreams are that ones that I would often wake up to teary-eyed. And you know what, I realized one great thing: Aside from sudden nostalgic moments, it’s dreams that fuck me up over and over.

I was standing on the edge of the street waiting for someone, that’s the first scene. At first, I was clueless who I was waiting for but I saw myself from an unfathomable distance how excited I was. That was how my subconscious established the first shot of the whole episode.

I was standing there for god knows how long and I was patient… until I found it was him that I was waiting for.

The whole idea. We got back together. He left the person he cheated me over with (although in real life, that girl is already pregnant). He went back to me and he became my boyfriend again.

And so he picked me up. I was happy that he was finally back. I know I’m not supposed to be happy about it but my subconscious told me I am, I damn am happy, excited, and delighted about it even though I shouldn’t be in real life. But it’s my subconscious. Would it even care if this dream would hurt me afterwards?

In that world, we held hands, we went to a roadtrip somewhere only we know and I was really happy. But then I knew it was the ‘second’ end of it. In that dream, I was the only one happy and he wasn’t. I noticed he wasn’t. He was cold and he doesn’t want to hold my hand back. I knew it was all happening again but I didn’t embrace the gut feel I had. It could have been a gift I took advantage of but I didn’t. Like what happened in real life, I purposely ignored the fact that he might leave me any time soon. I don’t know why. In that dream, I just still fucking love him and I feel bad about him going away again.

In the real world, he used to be that person I would never want to let go. He would be that someone whom I will insist to stay but he left me. He left me in real life and now he’s leaving me again in this stupid dream.

My subconscious was bitching me out. It was clear. But when I wake up, it’s all going to be self-inflicted. Again, I will tell myself how dragging all of this is turning to be and I will blame myself for the nth time. But these are just dreams, as if I can control them.

In real life, I was hurt big time. I was betrayed real hard. Now my dreams are being mean to me. It’s not fair. It will never be. I’ve been trying to get my ass out of that certain moment but for some reasons, the Universe keeps leading me towards that. Two years and counting and I’m still here.

[Deep breath, long pause]


It’s not like I’ve been such a bad person.