May-December ‘fail’ romance

It has been almost two years since I’ve broken through the railings of my first relationship. I wish it was just like a typical teenage love affair but it wasn’t. I was 19 years old. The faith and hope that I carry along with me then were untainted. I have all the trust in the world that it was my moment, that it was, at last, my chance to love and be loved, to feel the kind of passion that I thought would stay forever… but then it didn’t.

It was a rough road to traverse especially when you’re still naïve and the border between maturity and plain aggressiveness is slowly getting thin. I thought that if you would learn to sacrifice and compromise yourself to get what you want, the universe will give it to you. I thought that if you have already given your heart and soul to someone, if you have already submitted yourself to him, if you have already committed not only to him but to everything about him, it was the end of it, that you can already be happy for the rest of your life.

I was 19 then and he was around 36. I was young and forceful and nothing can stop me from loving this guy, even the 17 years gap in our age. It was really a tough road, like I said. I saw how the society looked at us with judging eyes, I witnessed how my parents gently despised the relationship, but it was the love that I chose to fight for despite the struggles, it was the love that I tried to preserve, it was the love that completed me the time when it was still an obsession to wish for someone you love to love you back, even again and again.

Of course, it all started in the fantasy that you thought it can only happen in movies or television show until it happens to you. And so it happened to me. It made my life both colorful and miserable. I was aggressively and deeply into this person that I intentionally ignored the reality that I will lose him someday, surely and eventually. I was young, I was in cloud 9, and I could only seize the moment until it became a habit.

Betrayal. It all began and ended with betrayal. I betrayed my own values to give it a try with him despite his issues and he betrayed me for whatever reasons I think I wouldn’t even find out anymore.

After giving away everything, you will realize that everything wasn’t even close enough to protect the love that you fought for, that you can never have it even if you want it so bad, that even if you return to your faith and pray to God, the response will always be a cold ‘no and sorry’, that even if you have lost everything, you will still end up incomplete and shattered.

It was then that I realized that experiences don’t truly reflect a person’s attitude towards the present and the future. I was immature by then, or maybe until now, but God knows how I extended my patience and understanding in order to preserve the love that I had for him. I thought experiences would make him a better person as they did to me—making myself believe that somehow our relationship made me a better person, someone whose views in life even got better and colorful. I thought a person who has gone through worse has enough wisdom to do the right thing.

I realized that even if it was a May-December romance and there’s an awful lot of need to catch up, even if time is a big issue in this relationship and you couldn’t waste any of it anymore, if it doesn’t meant to be, it just wouldn’t be.

But I think that’s just the way it is. People come and go for a reason and some of them would leave you broken the way this person did to me. But then I realized, he left me not just broken but also with a million opportunities to have myself fixed. I’m not saying this because I want him back and all that jazz. I’m saying this because I saw him few days back and that moment brought me to a nostalgic trance. I still despise him after all these years. We all have this one person that we will curse all our life and for me, I think that person is him. I think I can never forgive him and I already forgave myself for my lapses. I don’t owe it to universe or anyone to absolve him for what he has done to me. I don’t wish him ill though. I just want to keep it simple by trying to avoid him. I hope the universe will understand me.

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