Earlier this month I celebrated my 21st birthday or my exactly 7,644th day here on earth. It was just an ordinary day except for the fact that it was the first time in 16 years that I won’t be celebrating my birthday as a student.
Celebrating my birthday in the work field wasn’t so extraordinary as well because I felt I needed to to pity on myself. I felt I needed to be sorry for myself that I had to go out even if I can stay at home, and that all this time, that in all the past birthdays I’ve had, I’ve always wanted to run away.
I’ve spent 21 years in this world and on my 21st year, although I believe the universe requires a person more years to be able to claim he had gained genuine wisdom, I think I’ve already learned to pick up some little things from reality.
There was never a perfect timing, there was never a perfect moment, and even if you are in the most anticipated episode of your life, there will always be a time that you will realize something is lacking and that something is not right.
Some people are lucky because at an early stage of their lives, they already know what to do and they have the means to do it. They are lucky because they already have a full or even just a partial grasp of self discovery and that means they can always move on, that they don’t have to discover more because what’s left of them is to explore what has been discovered.
In contrast to this kind of people are the ones who lack the means, the idea, and the drive. I think I have less of all that except the idea. I know what I want to happen and I have a clear view of what I want to be in few years from now. It’s just that I don’t have the means and my lack of means is spoiling the drive.
‘I know what to do and I have a clear view of what I want to be in’ is something that’s so easy to say. It cheers me and hurts me each time I say that. Time is unstoppable and it puts me to a teary moment that I cant be wherever I like to be in because time couldn’t just slow down and help me cope a bit. And since it’s unstoppable, time is becoming more of a viral infection that’s ruining the most internal of me. As a result, it’s becoming more of an enemy more than a friendly reminder.
I’m just 21 but I’ve always felt I’m running out of time. Maybe I’m not but the fact that I’ve always known what I want is making all of these boring. I’ve always been waiting, I’ve always been so patient but like I said, there was never a perfect time and just because I can see it doesn’t mean I can have it or I can be there.
Or maybe, I just need to go on.. To move on and defy the trend that I can only do that when I have the means. Life is sad and tragic and you can cry about that all you want. I don’t want to cry, my eyes have shed a river. If I need to wait, if I need to hope, I think I’ve left with no choice but to cling on that. Maybe I should also learn to trust again. Maybe, just maybe, I need to gain back the faith I had after I completely lost it. Where to start? I don’t know. Maybe I will find out on the next 7,644 days of my life. Maybe on that day, I’ll find myself smiling for being so stubborn. On that day, my perception on earth have surely changed. Maybe, after all this time, all I have to do is to wait further.